Premature Ejaculation - Part 1
posted: 04/04/2006 12:00 am
Dear Dr. Myrtle,
After several months as friends, my dance partner and I have decided to fulfill each other’s desires. We have had a very strong sexual tension from the moment we met. Just recently we started becoming more touchy, and she has made it clear that she is ready for us to act on our desires. My fear is that when the time comes I will not be able to please her. I enjoy orally and manually pleasing women, but I am very doubtful about my abilities when it comes to penetration (I believe I have a premature ejaculation problem.) Can you please give me any advice to help the premature ejaculation and make her experience unforgettable? Thanks.
Did you know that most women do not have orgasms through vaginal penetration? Oral and manual stimulation are the most pleasurable forms of stimulation for most women, and are most likely to produce orgasms, although some women prefer to have fingers or a dildo in their vagina while having their clitoris orally or manually stimulated. Since the clitoris and labia are the most sensitive parts of a woman’s sexual anatomy, and therefore the most pleasurable areas for a woman to have stimulated, getting maximum pleasure from penetration is difficult. In fact, the penis going in and out of the vagina is not enough stimulation to produce an orgasm in up to 75 percent of women.
That said, my recommendation for you is as follows:
- Change your mindset about what sex "needs" to be. If intercourse is not your strong suit, then redefine sex to be that which you feel comfortable with. Take the pressure to perform and try to transform it into the notion that pleasure is the goal, rather than making a "good performance" on your part the goal.
- Talk with your new partner about what you like to do and what your fears are, and ask her how she likes to be stimulated. I know this is difficult to do; most of us like to just roll into bed with a new partner and let lust and our own desires steer our sexual encounter. Unfortunately, though lust is powerful, it is not enough to produce full satisfaction. Eighty percent of women report that they have faked an orgasm during intercourse, and 79 percent of women do not ever experience orgasms during intercourse without some additional clitoral stimulation!
Rather than being part of the statistics, I suggest a very sexy conversation to start things off. There is no reason for you to think that your partner expects a particular performance from you, and sex is very much a mutual dance, with both of you taking responsibility for your own and your partner’s pleasure. Tell her what you like, ask her what she likes, and then slowly and luxuriously start exploring. Performance "anxiety" is often the cause of premature ejaculation, so taking this anxiety out of the picture will make for a more pleasurable experience for both of you.
- Consider having her orally or manually bring you to an orgasm first, then allow yourself and her to explore her body fully with hands and mouth. Bring her to orgasm one or several times. After a while you may become aroused again, she has had a lot of pleasure already, and you may be able to have intercourse slowly and pleasurably, without any expectations or performance pressures. If, after taking the pressure off yourself, you find that premature ejaculation is still an issue that you feel needs addressing, you might want to look at our information on Eager Ejaculation and what to do about it (linked in the right sidebar of this page).
Hopefully you will be able to relax and enjoy the wide range of sexual activities available to both of you that don’t depend on your penis to be performing in any particular manner. This way, you can enjoy the pleasure rather than worry about expectations.
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