Painful anal sex
posted: 04/04/2006 12:00 am
Dear Dr. Myrtle,
I have some questions about painful anal sex. I used an anal toy that hurt - I think it was too big. We took a big jump the other night with a rather large butt plug. It hurt, and I bled a fair amount. I don’t even really like anal stimulation, but my partner enjoys it a great deal. Is there anything you can suggest that will make this more pleasant for me?
Whoa! If I can tell you anything important about anal play it’s this: "if anything hurts, ever, with anal play, STOP!"
First, each of us has only one anus. Your nerve endings screaming "PAIN!" to you are trying to warn you that you are doing something that may damage your anus. It is really awful not to have a healthy anus. (You laugh, perhaps, but may it never happen to you ...) In other words, if you know you will rely on the comfortable functioning of your anus every day for the rest of your life, why compromise that for someone else’s pleasure?
Second, if you are not enjoying yourself, stop. You need more information about anal play. Anal play is supposed to be about your pleasure first and foremost. Sexual pleasure is about consent for all involved, and you are not obligated to provide pleasure for someone else when it is hurting you. If you say, "I kind of like it ..." or "I’m still interested ..." Well, okay. Then it’s your technique that’s off, and you have some learning to do. But if you really don’t like anal play, I really encourage you to stop engaging in it, no matter how much your partner enjoys it.
Third, the anus doesn’t require "bigger is better" for pleasure. With all of those nerve endings in your rectum/anus/perineal (around the anus) area, a little can go a long way. Very small strokes, latex- or polyurethane-covered fingers, air puffs, small dildos, etc. can be quite arousing. Very satisfying anal-play experiences can be achieved through prolonged anal massage with fingers, gloves and lube. Stroking the outer anal muscle ring with firm massage strokes will enhance sensation and blood flow, increasing your sexual arousal.
Fourth, it quakes me to my little doctor’s bones to hear of someone bleeding as a consequence of anal play. That means that something has been ripped (anal fissure), torn (a hemorrhoid has broken open), or abraded (the surface friction was too much). OOooWWww! This is tissue damage, not sex. The scarring can lead to prolonged pain and discomfort, and this type of touch has no place in your sessions. Serious rectal bleeding can be an emergency, and you might need medical attention.
Additionally, it’s easy enough to transmit sexually transmitted infections without careful protection (barriers like latex or polyurethane), but once you’re into the bloodstream, you can be infected with your own normal bacteria, as well as anything your partner might have (knowingly or not).
There are some great references specifically on anal play for you to read up on: J. Morin’s book Anal Pleasure and Health and T. Taormino’s book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. You deserve - and need - information about anal play so that you can make informed decisions about your body and the bodies you love. Above all else, take care of your tushie.
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