Should I choose a different father for my child?
posted: 10/08/2008 12:00 am
Dear Sex Counselor,
I need your advice. I’m married to great man, and I love him only. I’ve been married now for six years. He keeps insisting on starting family. I want that too, but he and his family have an inheritable disease. I’ve seen what this disease did to his grandfather before he died, and to his father, and now to him. I don’t want that for a baby.
I’ve found a man on campus where I attend night school (my excuse for not having a baby so far) who looks like a dead ringer for my hubby. He’s got the same red hair, blue eyes, size, high IQ, etc. If anything, he’s more athletic (he’s on the football team). I’ve decided to have a baby with him. By the way, this man and I are both in the B-blood group. I know I will NOT fall in love with this man; we’re only friends.
I’ve hinted at this and he has accepted it. What want to know is, how can I minimize the number of times I have to have sex with this man in order to get pregnant? I only want to get in and get out with pregnancy. If could do in one encounter, that would be perfect. Is that possible?
Sex is not what I am after here. Is there a way I can know that that only one time can create a pregnancy? How can I tell when I’m "ripe"? Also, what time of day is best? Is one time better than others? Again, I would prefer a "one-shot" pregnancy, and I need input to help me minimize the times we have to have sex to achieve what I want.
By the way, this man has absolutely no disease in his family and personal history - no heart problems, lung problems, cancer, diabetes, etc. His grandfolks are still active in their 80s. His dad is in his 60s and jogs seven miles a day. This is what I want - I can cover the rest if the pregnancy does not take a long time to happen. This is where I need advice, so I can minimize my encounters with this man. Please help. I read your column, and I know you are sympathetic to love and marriage.
Because I am sympathetic to love and marriage, I am urging you to not consider using this man as your inseminator. I strongly encourage you and your husband to go together to your Ob/Gyn and get a referral for artificial insemination by donor in order to get pregnant, if you are insisting that your husband not be the biological father of your children (and if he agrees that the risks are too great). Here are my reasons:
- First and foremost, you do not know if this man has any sexually transmitted infections, and if he does, you will pass them onto your husband, and to your potential baby. More than 80 percent of men do not know when they have a sexually transmitted infection, so even if he says he doesn’t have one, unless he has been tested within the past month, and has not had unprotected sex with anyone for the past six months, you cannot be certain. It’s likely that your husband would be very upset if he found out that you did this without his knowledge, and then on top of it passed on an STI.
- If you become pregnant by this man, he has the right to claim paternity at any time. Since you don’t appear to be planning on drawing up a contract with him (and those contracts have not stood up in court anyway) you have no guarantee that he will not come around wanting paternal rights with his child at some time in the future. And it will be his biologically, so you won’t have any way to prevent this.
- There is no guaranteed quick way to become pregnant. Some women become pregnant immediately upon trying; others take months, even years. Unless he is ejaculating into a cup and passing you his semen, this means you have to be having sex with him several times a month until you conceive, which could take months to a year. It’s hard to avoid an increasing attachment under those circumstances, especially since you already like this man.
- It’s not fair to your husband to leave him out of the process of your becoming pregnant. Wanting to avoid passing on a genetic disease is a valid reason to seek insemination, and he should understand that. By including him in the process, and having a completely anonymous, clean, donor, he can feel that this child is his as well as yours. I encourage you, his partner, to respect him this much, and ask him to take this journey with you.
I don’t do reproductive health counseling, so if you are adamant that you want to become pregnant by this man, you will need to look up this information elsewhere. I strongly ask you to reconsider this plan, and instead to remain faithful to your husband for the reasons I outline above. It would be such an unfortunate start to your child’s life if this did not go as you planned, and a possible end to your marriage.
Thanks for asking. I hope you find a way to do this with your husband being an integral part of the plan.
The Sex Counselor