Introducing my partner to bondage
posted: 01/15/2009 09:59 am
Dear Sex Counselor,
I have always liked to be tied up. I think its a real turn-on. I do not know how to broach this subject with my boyfriend. I would be embarrassed to tell him this. We have an extremely hot sexual relationship right now with very few inhibitions. Is there any way I can hint at this without saying it outright?
I assure you, this is a very common fantasy for both men and women. One way to bring up the subject is to start a conversation about what turns each of you on, or what each one of you fantasizes about. Some couples use an erotic movie as an opportunity to say "That looks like fun to me, what do you think?" We've also had one member of a couple come in and buy a book - either a collection of erotic stories, or a book like The Good Vibrations Guide To Sex - to read aloud to her/his partner, allowing the opportunity to say "Have you ever thought about doing that?" or "I have always wondered what that would be like - what about you?" These are still somewhat direct, but leave you less vulnerable than saying, "It really turns me on to be tied up - would you do that with me?"
I also suggest looking at a book like Exhibitionism for the Shy, an excellent tool for anyone wanting to expand her sexual horizons and find ways to talk about new sexual pursuits with her partner.
I also want to encourage you to consider just coming out and asking for what you want. It can be a very sexy thing to hear "I really want you to ... it would be really exciting for me!"
I also urge you to explore safe restraints; scarves and bandannas are not safe to use, as they can easily damage nerves and tendons, and can be difficult to untie if an emergency arises. The same goes for traditional metal handcuffs; they easily damage the wrist during the time when you are (mentally) transported elsewhere and enjoying resisting against the restraint. So one way to introduce this notion to your partner is to buy a pair of safe restraints (we carry several non-threatening choices), put them in a beautifully wrapped box, and present them to your partner with a note saying, "Meet me in the bedroom at 7 p.m., and bring this!"
If he is adventurous and interested in helping you pursue your pleasure, he'll be there and be as excited as you are.
Keep in mind, also, that even after much discussion and even if you come right out and tell him what you want, he may not be open to the idea. Everyone likes very different things sexually, and bondage may be something he is not willing to experiment with. After hearing how much you'd like to try it, he might be willing to experiment, but you should also be ready to hear, "No, I don't think I'd ever want to try that."
You may also hear, "Well, I don't know ... I don't think I'd want to do that" or "I don't know anything about that." If this happens, try picking up a book like Come Hither or a basic beginner's bondage handbook. Read it together, talking about what looks fun and what you don't want to try. Maybe after learning more, he'd be more willing to try things.
If it's something he truly doesn't want to try, though, you'll have to respect his wishes, and maybe talk to him about other things you could try that you'd both be comfortable with.
I hope this helps! Enjoy!
The Sex Counselor
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