posted: 02/09/2011 11:43 am
Othercourse--what is it?
Othercourse is creative sex play that is not limited to, or focused on intercourse. It can include any sexual activities you and your partner enjoy, and can lead to anything you both agree to. It can be the first course, the last course, the main course, or the only course.
Who is it for?
Othercourse is good for anyone who wants to:
spice things up and try new things
re-visit favorite activities from an earlier time
extend, increase, or prolong sexual pleasure & arousal
develop or discover alternatives to your sexual routine
surprise your partner or yourself
increase frisky feelings in your relationship
recall how much fun sex was when you were only doing “heavy petting”
Othercourse is also a good choice if you or your partner:
has trouble maintaining an erection
has pain with penetration, or do not enjoy penetration
has trouble reaching orgasm during intercourse
has performance anxiety
want to avoid pregnancy
want to postpone intercourse, and still enjoy intimate play together
A playful attitude and adventurous spirit are the best assets you have when it comes to sex, second only to a genuine affection for your partner. The right attitude can make any activity or technique full of pleasure and fun.
Sex can easily become serious business if you see it as a race to the finish line, or a performance that must play out in a particular way each time. We all experience busy or stressful times, illnesses, hormonal shifts, and other circumstances that force changes in intimacy or physical response. Flexibility and a sense of humor can help you weather these changes. Broadening your idea of what good sex consists of, and exploring ways to create as much pleasure as possible for you and your partner, will take the focus off of what you can’t, or choose not to do. Instead you can keep your attention on creating pleasure and deepening your intimate connection with each other. As an added benefit, expanding your sexual repertoire will increase the fun you can enjoy during sex play.
Getting Started and Building Anticipation
Agree that neither of you will aim for orgasm; your only goals will be giving/receiving pleasure and having fun together. You can decide some activities are off-limits, or set no limits, but don’t set orgasm as the end point. One or both of you may have an orgasm, but it’s not required. This can relieve performance pressure while allowing you to explore activities you might have otherwise missed, If you enjoy this, you can make try it whenever you want to build your connection and anticipation.
Make out during a movie with no pressure to go any further, or skip the movie and revisit heavy petting on the couch. Keep your clothes on much longer than you want to, or keep them on all evening. See how much fun you can have undressing slowly when the time comes, or touching each other through your clothing.
Take a long shower or bath together, taking turns washing each other’s bodies, maybe using a silky, pleasant scented bath gel. Concentrate on the sensations – smell, warmth, water, the feeling of your partner’s hand gliding over the skin. Breathe deeply and find that spot that allows you to feel deeply connected to each other, then linger in that sensation for as long as you can.
Add some more advanced communication skills
Try asking your partner for permission before every action or touch. Only touch when and where your partner allows. After asking "may I touch your...?" follow it up with "did you like that? Would you like me to do it some more?" If so, try "may I kiss your...?". Another version is to give a hand or foot massage but only touch in the exact manner your partner requests. Your goal is that you are both able to ask for specific kinds of touch in specific places. Then you’re ready to move on to other erogenous zones.
Practice talking about intimate play more often, explicitly asking for what you want as well as asking your partner what she or he would enjoy doing.
Become more creative
Start a date by meeting in the produce department of your local grocery store. If you are tempted by fruit, what body part would taste nice with raspberries on it? Peaches? Whipped cream? Champagne?
Find out how much fun a man can have without an erection, or without engaging in penetration of his partner. Buy a nice lubricant (or compare several) and try stimulating him with a variety of different parts of your body. Some ideas: hands, mouth, breasts, or between the thighs. Try a masturbation sleeve if your skin is not up for the contact. Get more ideas from our brochures on Masturbation for Men, and Men’s Toys. Remember that men can have orgasms without ever having erections, so keep going even if he isn’t hard.
Find a movie or book on erotic massage, and try out the techniques. There are books and movies on vulva massage, penis massage, and whole body erotic massage. You can also explore touch using feathers, silk scarves, strands of pearls, or fur, and get creative with some of the kitchen utensils/gadgets. See if you can discover some erogenous zones you didn’t know about before by observing your partner’s responses carefully and experimenting with different areas and different strokes and touches. Explore everywhere, not just the genitals.
Try phone sex, cybersex, email sex, instant messaging, or explicit notes tucked into pockets or lunch bags. You can tease, tempt, and arouse your partner all day long from a distance. Anticipation can make your next date extra-spicy.
Mutual masturbation in its many forms is both sexy and safe. It can be extremely arousing to watch a partner pleasure him or herself to orgasm. Settle yourselves into comfy positions and decide if you want to take turns, go solo, or stimulate yourselves simultaneously. You can impose rules like "you can’t touch me" or let your partner play a supporting role in your pleasure.
Many people enjoy giving and receiving pleasure of all kinds with their mouths. If you love kissing, devote some time to it rather than seeing it as just an appetizer. You can take kissing to another level by exploring your partner’s entire body with your mouth. If stimulating your partner’s genitals with your mouth is new to you, consider rending an instructional movie or book on oral sex to debunk myths and offer sexy tips, or just dive in and enjoy discovering what you and your partner both enjoy. If you are experienced in giving and receiving oral pleasure, experiment with using flavors or ice, and explore different positions, adding additional stimulation with your hands or a vibrator.
Focus your attention
Take turns focusing attention on one another. One day, have a date that’s all about pleasing your partner. The next day, switch places. Sometimes knowing you won’t be reciprocating right away can allow you to relax at a deeper level and sink into the sensations you’re experiencing.
If you have trouble finding time for sex in your busy lives, make a date and put it on the calendar. Turn off the phone and send the kids (if you have them) to a babysitter. If you’ll be distracted by your to-do list during a date at home, get a motel room. Pack a romantic picnic, or order in. Even if all you can manage is a an hour or two, you can have a lot of fun in that time, and anticipating the upcoming date can help get you both through the week. If you’re overwhelmed with stress, try sitting on your partner’s lap while you catch up on the day’s events and see if the mood shifts. Or allow yourselves to begin gently touching and pleasuring each other, and follow the sensations. If you become more aroused, you can pursue more intense touch. If not, enjoy the contact and intimacy.
Above all, have fun
There are so many ways to enjoy intimacy without ever engaging in intercourse or penetrative sex play. Start with the ones we’ve listed here, and then expand your list to whatever you wish to add to your repertoire. You have nothing to lose, and a lot of pleasure and closeness to gain.
Red Hot Touch by Jaiya and Jon Hanauer
Daily Sex (365 different positions, many for activities other than intercourse)
One-Hour Orgasm by Schwartz & Schwartz
Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men, by Jamie Goddard & Kurt Brungardt
Copyright 2012 A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center
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